hope...less

Just got my MLE results. As expected, I did badly. Unexpected, I did VERY badly.

When I see the grades, it's as if I'm looking at hopelessness in its face. It's not about being upset anymore. Prehaps this sem, I am finally gonna say goodbye to my 2nd class, which i fought so hard to cling on to.

I thought of giving up as usual. But I'm quite glad I see something else. Think I'll continue to fight on. Regardless of what may behold. You can take it as the final struggle of a little fish, which has jumped out of water. Gasping for breath. Lol... Kind of dramatic huh? No matter what, I guess I have to carry on in the path I've chosen blindly to take 3yrs back.

Not that grades aint important. They are. Since I can't have them, I shan't cry for them. Life is too short to be saddened by something so detestful. Even if my final cert shows "Bachelor of Chemical Engineering - Third Class Honours" in ugly, Times New Romans, font size 24, bold, it wouldn't make me less of a person than I am. Yup! Come what may. Lousy grades, hideous cert, so be it. I want to be a happy person and that shouldn't affect my outlook in life.

There's many things to look forward to in the future. And... I believe I'm an amazing character in a storybook.

Realisation

I realised how off track I have been.
I realised how dependent I have been.
I realised how wrong I have been.
I realised how greedy I have been.
I realised there are things I can't ask for.
I realised there is a reason why people should communicate.
I realised I don't know what I should do next.
I realised I have been habouring some very bad thoughts.
I realised maybe I need to go back to where I was.
I realised maybe that might mean that there are things to let go.
I realised I could not let go.
I realised there are still a lot I don't know.
I realised I have been struggling between my needs and what I know is incorrect.
I realised there is a need to be strong.
I realised that I already don't know who I am.
I realised I need some ice cream.

Plateau... but not on raised ground

I can't feel a thing anymore. Won't feel depressed, disappointed nor upset. Neither do I feel motivated nor happy. Haha... guess my emotions have sort of plateaued... not on raised ground, but below ground level. I've fallen into a trench and started digging my way through. Now that I'm more settled, it seems like i won't fall any deeper; I'm already right at the bottom.

Prehaps this is better than my depression previously; feeling nothing is better than feeling upset after all. I'm just like a dead piece of meat at this moment (and "dead meat" literally). I cannot imagine life like that for long, or in the future. Really need someone to bring me some hope and instill some drive in me now.

If i have to get out of this trench on my own, prehaps I need to find back my old independent self. Or for an easier and painless option, wait for the holidays.

Things to forget, things to remember

Why is it such that there are certain things that people forget, but I will remember. Then why so things that I forget, people remember. In that case, maybe it's better to forget everything and not remember anything.

O hApPy dAy... =)

Today's a day of miracles.

When I woke up at 8:10am this morning, I thought my day was screwed once again, just like any others recently. I actually turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep! So what's the big deal, 8:10 is slumber time! No... not when you have a 9am lesson to attend. So stop whining already and just get out of bed!

Time check: 8:17am

Oh my goodness... even if i leave the house now I might still be terribly late. Just hurry up, wash up, pack up and GET OUT!

Time check: 8:28am

Why do I have to wear my shoes today!? And why is my shoes laces vying for my attention!

Time check: 8:33am

Replied his morning message, whined that I'm late. Was quite certain that it's going to be another bad day.

Time check: 8:35am

75 or 184 please come ASAP... no I mean NOW! I actually said a little prayer at that time, "Dear God, if You can bring me to school on time today, I'll be very grateful."

And 75 came.

Time check: 8:46am

Traffic doesn't seem too heavy today. Good. Maybe my prayer's answered. Come on 75! Go! Go! We are reaching ngee ann poly soon. Oh dear I see a SBS bus turning in from KAP. Is it 151? No it can't be... My prayer's supposed to have already been answered. OH NO!!! BUT IT IS 151! $&(*()*$^#^% And why must 75 stop at this bus stop! Ok great... guess I just missed my bus.

Time check: 8:48am

Well the bus captain seems weird. It's like he's trying to over take 151! OH YAY! Keep going bus uncle! YOU CAN DO IT! Ahz... 151 stop at ngee ann... Miraculously so many people were boarding. I nearly blurt out "Thank you uncle!" as I alighted. Rushed down the bus and join the queue! Tadah... I got onto 151.

Time check: 9:01am

Reached NUS safely. Entered the class at 9:05am. Thank You Heavenly Father! =)

It's a miracle that I made it on time. I'm happy. And there's more happiness to come. Friend A appeared brighter after getting into a mood swing two days ago and friend B seemed more composed after recovering from a blow. I'm happy. Though both seemed equally worn out by the famous taiwanese girl band... -.-" Finally submitted our term paper. It looks quite good to me haha. 1 down. I'm happy. Though many more to go. He asked me out for supper tonight! Prehaps because I appeared slightly jaded, doesn't matter. I'm VERY happy. Though I just deliberately replied, "See how..." I bought my favourite 菜饼 and 黄色的蛋糕 from Dilies and the auntie gave me 10 cent discount (because she said the 菜饼 is small). I'm happy.

On the whole, it's a happy day. Looks like I've recovered. Hope I can keep it there. Credit goes to God, who showered me with so many miracles today! Thanks for all the presents! =)

It's still raining today. The porcupine strolled home in the drizzle, enjoying the smell of rain, which she had forgotten that she likes so much. She finally shed her spikes.... and become HAPPY! woof woof!

Porcupine in the Rain

Think i've always been trying to make people around me comfortable and happy. Maybe so much so that i have no more energy to make myself feel happy.

My days have been enveloped by this cloud of sadness that refuses to go away no matter what. I have no exact idea of its cause but i'm definitely feeling its impact. It has been raining non-stop... Even a sunny day seemed too much to ask for.

I'm turning into a porcupine. Hurting those who are close to it and piercing anyone who tries to touch it. Stay away.

A porcupine far away from its companions and drenched in rain day after day. No warmth can reach her delicate skin underneath the intimidating spikes.

It's starting to feel cold.